Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
