it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
