He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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