"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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