I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
