Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
