meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
