i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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