yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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