It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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