Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize