I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
