boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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