Hey man sorry I got all grabby
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
