oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize