so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Semen is not good for contacts.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
