did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize