I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
