Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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