I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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