The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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