I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize