I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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