Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
