Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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