So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
