Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize