oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize