dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
