Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
