apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't deserve a penis
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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