No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
