my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
