hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
