the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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