I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
