WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
