he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
