This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
