finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
