Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
