Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
