Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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