Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
