My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize