We got so high we made milksteak
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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