my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
