watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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