that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
