I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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