i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I stole a fireplace last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
