Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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