He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
