@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think your dad took our porno
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
