This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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