Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
