help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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