happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
