i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My penis needs a shock collar
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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