Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
