dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just want to make out with him forever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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