Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
