i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
