he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
