got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
