My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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