I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
